It was after the movement disorder and before that I started losing myself. Sitting on the bus, watching the snow fall on Michigan Ave., wondering where life was headed and how things had gotten so stuck. Someone had made me trudge through a field of quicksand. Except no one had made me do anything, see? […]
When I lost the prescription plan, life got harder. Can’t remember why I lost it. Did I switch insurance or did they switch me? I think they switched me. One day I had it, the next I didn’t. It was so messed up. Was in the new place by then. The one in Boystown, a […]
Don’t talk about the hug, the one with Dennis in L.A. Feel it from time to time, though. Even now. The energy became part of my soul. Was it his energy? It’s both of ours now. Cruising the pitch-black roads from Santa Monica to West Hollywood in silence. Glare of headlights against the dark, his […]
I keep returning to the moment in Dr. Sullivan’s office where I’m breaking down in tears and he’s shouting, “Don’t be such a baby.” That’s how our divorce unfolded. I remember it like a film reel, to create distance I suppose, make it hurt less. There was an intolerance to Dr. Sullivan that made him […]
Always an earthquake before the tsunami, isn’t there? Looking back you think there musta been a sign, musta been a warning that change was coming. And maybe there was, too subtle to see. If I could go back and stay asleep that day, would things have been different? ‘Cause the moment I woke, the world […]
We were lined up facing each other, he and I. That long row of window seats on the 146. Sat across from him, eyeing his pantyhose. He sat across from me, eyeing me, eyeing his pantyhose. He’d been jogging, the blue shorts pulled up high. What does it feel like to run in nylons? Is […]
“What do you call a pig that does karate?” On the treadmill, incline at 10, speed at 5, and some guy’s in my face talking about a pork chop. Does he not see me sweating? The Tribune people had left, probably home eating sloppy Joe’s by now. I was stuck. “What’s your name?” the guy […]
With his words, Dr. Sullivan had practically said I didn’t have epilepsy. Not because he believed that, but because I did. I pictured the lakefront the previous spring. The reeling, the gravity, the sweat. Nothing had ever felt so final. That’s what made me think it was leading somewhere. It was unfair of me to […]
Dr. Sullivan was the kind of man who’d appreciate an aged Scotch. He had this wry sense of humor and old-school way of being, as if he might refer to women as “broads.” Handsome in an educated way, he carried himself with a refinement that spoke to East Coast credentials. When he laughed, it was […]
You know why I stopped? I couldn’t make the jump from 200 milligrams to 175. That’s it. That’s the reason. Tapering is a game of Russian roulette. Is the bullet in the chamber? Will you have a seizure? It’s anybody’s guess. Without a doctor telling me I didn’t have epilepsy, my chances of having […]